The Heir’s Ultimatum

“William hit the roof,” our source, a long-serving courtier, revealed. “He saw the article and felt it was Harry openly mocking everything they, as the future of the Monarchy, stand for. Referring to himself as ‘just Harry, the neighbour’ is seen as a deliberate attempt to devalue his title and their entire history.”

The tension is so thick, you could spread it on a dry scone! William is rumored to have attempted to call his younger brother, but the call went unanswered. The supposed reason? Harry was “too busy setting up a new charcoal grill for a block party.” Ouch!

“William believes Harry is exploiting his royal status while simultaneously trying to claim he’s an ordinary Joe,” the courtier added. “It’s hypocritical, and William is finished with the mixed messages. He’s told friends he wants Harry to either ‘be in or be out’—no more dipping his toes in the royal pool when it suits him!”

 King Charles Stepped In!

The drama escalated so quickly that King Charles III himself had to intervene, attempting to mediate the transatlantic telephone war between his two sons.

“The King was deeply saddened,” reported our senior royal insider. “He views Harry’s comments about his mother, Diana, being ‘proud’ of his American life as a profound misinterpretation of her legacy. He sees it as a hostile attack on the institution he swore to protect.”

However, the King’s efforts were, predictably, met with limited success. The conversation, held via a highly secure video link (Harry insisted on using a custom California filter), was said to be “terse and respectful, but ultimately fruitless.”

“Charles pleaded for some dignity and respect for the Crown,” the insider claimed. “Harry responded by asking if His Majesty wanted to try some of his new, artisanal, organic, free-range ketchup brand.”

 The Americanisation of Archie and Lil?

The biggest fear now swirling among palace staff is the complete Americanisation of Harry’s children, Prince Archie and Princess Lil (who, coincidentally, just had a secret tea meeting with Uncle William! See our last exclusive!).

Will the children retain their British titles and heritage, or will they be fully absorbed into the world of Hollywood deals, celebrity friendships, and—gasp!—wearing trainers to formal events?

“This is the last straw for William,” concluded the source. “If Harry continues to use his royal connection for profit while distancing himself from his duty, it may force William to take the unthinkable step of demanding their titles be officially reviewed. The line has been drawn, and it’s drawn in the sand of a Montecito beach!”

The Royal Cold War has just gone scorching hot!